This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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