We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
