saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
