I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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