i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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