Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize