My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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