the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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