No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
