You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
