I'm jealous of your bromance
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
