hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
