No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
