Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
