jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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