It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
