I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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