From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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