someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
