Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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