I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Houston, we have a blender
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
