I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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