Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
