That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
