please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
