I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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