when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize