I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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