Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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