He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
do nipples grow back?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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