You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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