for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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