I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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