just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize