Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i think im in europe. pls send help
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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