I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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