All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
