why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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