So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
