if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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