Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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