just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Drunk is a universal language darling
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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