i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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