My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I didn't notice because vodka
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
