walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
