There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This baby is an asshole
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
