just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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