I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
