Welp...herpes.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
