Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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