I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
