You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
