she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize