Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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