You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
