my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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