Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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