1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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